And i quote "even though you seemed to understand the world and how screwed up it is, you still came across as rather positive and optimistic. But now, you're not that positive." Well mostly quoted anyway.


Firstly it's quite nice to hear it from someone else that you get the whole worldly shit and you were still bright and happy about it. It's one of those things you know for yourself, but it's still nice to hear it said out loud. So anyway, this is something quite related to what my previous first post was about.



I like to believe that my old positive attitude stemmed from my belief in people. When I say this, I don't mean people in general. I mean my belief in a specific person or persons. I mean people who don't live their lives with a direction and a mind which is the collective of the different pressures exerted on them, those who live their lives with a philosophy. The kind of people who don't just feel disappointment when something goes wrong, they feel sad.

Because fundamentally disappointment lies in comparison, sadness lies inward.

Either there are no such people left around me anymore, or I've stopped looking.

number one

And so I find myself back, writing. I've virtually stopped blogging since army days, and though I've loads of different reasons, it comes down mainly to the fact that it dawned upon me that there's nothing I have to say that hasn't been said by someone elsewhere, albeit in a different context. I think the hugeness of the blogging community (although it's mostly filled with mundane daily rants and cam-whores) makes it so insignificant to be writing, pausing to think after every little phrase to grasp the exact meaning of what you're trying to convey. After all, the moment i click publish so do a thousand other people.

I've also been subconsciously extending my egoistic philosophy towards those around me, neglecting the fact that they actually believe in something other than self-purpose. (or think they do) I'm therefore harsher in my interactions with others, even though I don't often show it. It's one thing to hold someone accountable for something they did, but I think most of these dimwits don't even realise their blatant unconcern for others, and yes that is a part of egoism. They just go on imposing on you with the bizarre expectation that you'll ask them to get lost once you don't want to put up with it anymore.

It made me realise my increasingly shrug-to-everything attitude. Whether I'm pissed, happy or bored, I have to do justice to my own persona and act like I like to give a damn about things that neither have a bearing on my life nor does it matter to me which way they end up. Shrug. So I go on tolerating, often wondering if it's time to just throw it all back. But then again, dimwits and logic don't mix anyway so why bother right? Shrug. A simple shrug is really the best answer to most of the questions that pop into my head nowadays.

And thus the blog. I hate the fact that I had to borrow Rand's title for this, but nothing that came to my mind in the five minutes in which the idea of this blog was conceived was more fitting. So it stuck. If eventually someone's reading this, this entry was written for my benefit and mine alone. I figure eventually I might open this blog to others to read. For now it just feels nice to know that I can write without the hesitation or the motivation of anyone else reading it.